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Sunday, April 29, 2012

I have the blahhhs...

Today,  I feel ugly.  Me, a beautiful, cherished, daughter of the King. Ugly. I don't feel beautiful today. Rather than bright and bold and happy, like the color red, I've felt more than a little gray lately.

I look at pictures taken yesterday and all I see are the lines around my eyes, the 30-40 pounds I need to lose, the double chin I try so desperately to hide as I smile. I know that, physically, I am not the girl my soon-to-be husband first laid eyes on. Last night, as I complained about my expanding waistline, he told me I am still the same person on the inside, still beautiful. Although I know he didn't mean it the way I took it, all I heard was "bigger, but still beautiful." We've had this conversation many times, and every time he tells me the same thing: "You could weigh 500 pounds and I'd still love you." Really? Would I still love me? And if I couldn't even love me, how could he? This afternoon, I looked at photos from yesterday, a picture of two friends and I in our (in)RL t-shirts, my extra pounds and inches glaring at me. Tonight, at the dinner table, my son told me I had a lazy eye. (Do I really have a lazy eye?) My soul, sliced by the sharp words of a 12-year old, was left wounded and bleeding. He apologized immediately, but the damage was already done. I sat sobbing, disgusted with myself for being so... imperfect. Flawed. Less than. Ugly. There's that word again... The enemy was having a field day with my thoughts, waging spiritual warfare on my heart and soul.



Have you ever felt ugly? Even though you know that God looks down upon you and rejoices at the beauty of His creation? How did it make you feel? How did you overcome those feelings?

Asking for grace, and for prayer... that I will have the discipline to lose the weight and inches. That I will honor the body my creator gave me by taking better care of it. That I will absolutely ROCK that wedding dress in September. I don't know what I'll do about that lazy eye. I guess I'll just pray it doesn't show up in my wedding photos...

Thank you in advance, because I know that as soon as I hit the submit button and publish this post, someone, somewhere, will be lifting me in prayer... and if there is some way I can pray for you today, please leave a comment here. I would love to pray for you, sisters.

6 comments:

  1. Instead of thinking about the pounds why not think about it as getting fit with God? I never look at the pounds....just that I want to be a lean women of God physically and spiritually. I find since I started look at life that way I am now in smaller jeans then before I was married, but weigh the same. (My wedding dress is way too big). Good luck follow me back!

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    1. Thank you Candice! I just visited your blog and I am following you! Please visit again soon! Blessings - Courtney :)

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  2. Yes...prayers are going up!! And yes...I've felt the same way. I had to literally cut the sides out of my inRL t-shirt so that I could fit into it (I did sew some inserts into it and then put a jacket on over that!). Satan knows just where to hit us, our weakest place. He gets me there every time. So pray for me too and I'll pray for you.

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    1. Prayers going up for you, Deborah! Thank you for visiting! :) - Courtney

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  3. BEAUTIFUL, BUBBLY, KIND, GENEROUS, THOUGHTFUL, LOYALY, HONEST, SISTER-IN-CHRIST, LOVING, CHERISHED, APPRECIATED, FASCINATING, CRAFTY, STRONG, UNIQUE, SPECIAL, INTELLEGENT, TRUSTWORTHY, VIRTUOUS, SOCIALABLE, HONEST, DETERMINED, STRONG-WILL, IMPRESSIVE,DAUGHTER, MOTHER, FIANCE, LOVED, BEST FRIEND

    All these are descriptive words that come to mind when I think of COURTNEY!!! Not once does UGLY come to mind... You are imperfect and flawed just as we all are and that is what makes you, YOU... You are imperfectly, perfect... and you are PERFECT just the way you are!! I will say it again....
    Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and they are all amazing works of art, God's Art.... So, don't call his art ugly... P.S. you are more like YELLOW.... Yes, YELLOW would be the color I used to decribe you... not gray and red is not bright enough b/c you my friend SHINE!

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