Today, I feel ugly. Me, a beautiful, cherished, daughter of the King. Ugly. I don't feel beautiful today. Rather than bright and bold and happy, like the color red, I've felt more than a little gray lately.
I look at pictures taken yesterday and all I see are the lines around my eyes, the 30-40 pounds I need to lose, the double chin I try so desperately to hide as I smile. I know that, physically, I am not the girl my soon-to-be husband first laid eyes on. Last night, as I complained about my expanding waistline, he told me I am still the same person on the inside, still beautiful. Although I know he didn't mean it the way I took it, all I heard was "bigger, but still beautiful." We've had this conversation many times, and every time he tells me the same thing: "You could weigh 500 pounds and I'd still love you." Really? Would I still love me? And if I couldn't even love me, how could he? This afternoon, I looked at photos from yesterday, a picture of two friends and I in our (in)RL t-shirts, my extra pounds and inches glaring at me. Tonight, at the dinner table, my son told me I had a lazy eye. (Do I really have a lazy eye?) My soul, sliced by the sharp words of a 12-year old, was left wounded and bleeding. He apologized immediately, but the damage was already done. I sat sobbing, disgusted with myself for being so... imperfect. Flawed. Less than. Ugly. There's that word again... The enemy was having a field day with my thoughts, waging spiritual warfare on my heart and soul.
Have you ever felt ugly? Even though you know that God looks down upon you and rejoices at the beauty of His creation? How did it make you feel? How did you overcome those feelings?
Asking for grace, and for prayer... that I will have the discipline to lose the weight and inches. That I will honor the body my creator gave me by taking better care of it. That I will absolutely ROCK that wedding dress in September. I don't know what I'll do about that lazy eye. I guess I'll just pray it doesn't show up in my wedding photos...
Thank you in advance, because I know that as soon as I hit the submit button and publish this post, someone, somewhere, will be lifting me in prayer... and if there is some way I can pray for you today, please leave a comment here. I would love to pray for you, sisters.