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Monday, April 30, 2012

Mama...

... you have given me so much. I remember a childhood full of happy memories in that little house on Clarke Blvd. I remember bookshelves full of stories, and days spent swinging and sliding in the yard. I remember you bandaging skinned knees, drying salty tears, and kissing away the hurt when I fell down. I remember walking to the corner store and buying candy that costs twice as much now as it did then. I remember catching fireflies and lizards and making mud pies and experimenting with an Easy-Bake Oven.  I remember every school play you attended, every honor roll certificate you kept, every Girl Scout meeting you led. I remember trips to the lake and to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream to the park to play. I remember seeing you take in stray animals and give them a home, I remember you being friends with all kinds of people, of all shapes, sizes, skin-colors and genders, and I learned how to love well and fully. I remember being happy and feeling loved and thinking that life was perfect. I learned that it wasn't...

 I remember being heart-broken when you and daddy divorced, when I knew we were leaving that little house and never going back. I also remember how much grace you gave me in the years to follow, the hard years, when I rebelled against you and told you I hated you. I never hated you.  I remember how hard you worked to take care of us, to give me the things that I wanted that you really couldn't afford. I remember us living in a one-bedroom apartment, and not having a car for awhile. I remember wondering how you did it all, how you worked so hard and paid the bills and paid for pep squad and clothes with labels and prom dresses and class rings and how you put up with me. I look back at those days and I am thankful, thankful that you loved this lost little girl through the hard places and taught her to be strong. You taught me to be strong because you were strong. Again, I remember you drying salty tears and kissing away the hurt, even though this time, you were bandaging my broken heart. I remember you holding me when I cried over the latest break-up, over something a mean girl said, over something we'd fought about. Boy, did we fight. I look back now and I realize we fought because you fought for me. You looked at me and still saw the little girl who lived in that house on Clarke Blvd. You never forgot who I was or who you'd taught me to be, even when I'd forgotten.

I remember being 19 and pregnant and scared, ashamed because I was sure I'd disappointed you. You just loved me through it, and when I was determined to do it on my own, helped me move into my own little one-bedroom apartment, and cried with me on the phone every night for a month because I was homesick, even though I was only a few miles south of home. You were by my side when I brought that boy into this world, when I brought him home, when my heart broke over his father... you were always by my side. I remember being 26 and repeating the cycle... I thought I'd finally found "the one" and when I found myself alone again, you were there. There for another pregnancy, another c-section, another homecoming. This time, a beautiful little girl. I remember feeling like I'd let you down, because I couldn't manage to do things the right way... I had no husband, I had two children, I had bills to pay and mouths to feed and could never seem to get it right, and yet again, you loved me through the struggle. You loved me through broken relationships, single-motherhood, and irresponsibility. You never gave up on me, you never let me down.

Now I am 32, finally happy, secure, free... The lost little girl, finally found. Found by a savior who I believe held us in His arms through all of our struggles, found by a man who adores me and who I truly believe will never walk away... I have two beautiful children and 4 beautiful step-children and the family I always wanted. I wake up every morning and realize how blessed I am and try hard to be better than I was the day before, and I think of you and how much you've given me and can only hope that my children will one day be able to say the same thing about me. I am so blessed to call you mama...

I love you bigger than the sky.

(Linking up to Mother Letters today... click on over and read more about this beautiful collection of thoughts and stories about motherhood.)


10 comments:

  1. Literally in tears.. This is absolutely one of the sweetest things I have ever read. You ARE incredibly blessed with a wonderful mama!! Not everyone can say that... and she has raised a truly amazing, loving, kind-hearted daughter (which speaks volumes of her character)

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    1. Awww... thank you honey! You are an amazing friend and I am so blessed to have you in my life! I love you!

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  2. This was such a sweet post. Its awesome to see how the impact of love can fix what the world may look at and call unfix-able. Having a strong mother like that is such a blessing.

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    1. Thank you, Terri! :) My mother is a blessing... I don't know what I would do without her!

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  3. I'm crying. This was so sweet. We went through an unmarried pregnancy with one of our daughters - her family, friends and church stood with her. The hardest part for her was to forgive herself, even though she knew God forgave and still loved her. She finally accepted that she's human, like the rest of us, and that we all make mistakes. It's so true that God can bring good out of the bad ... our daughter has been able to help other young women, single moms, to understand that God loves them and their children - and He gave us a healthy, beautiful first grandchild, who is now 13. You have a wonderful mom.

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  4. I loved these words. What a precious mama you have. And what a sweet heart you have.

    I'm your newest follower :)

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    1. Thank you, Jamie! Heading over to your blog now! :)

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  5. Beautiful! You give hope to every mama of a child off the path. Love the name of your blog. Is this name available as a .com? If so, you should claim it.

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  6. Such a beautiful tribute to an obviously beautiful woman.

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