I have the blahhhs...

Today,  I feel ugly.  Me, a beautiful, cherished, daughter of the King. Ugly. I don't feel beautiful today. Rather than bright and bold and happy, like the color red, I've felt more than a little gray lately.

I look at pictures taken yesterday and all I see are the lines around my eyes, the 30-40 pounds I need to lose, the double chin I try so desperately to hide as I smile. I know that, physically, I am not the girl my soon-to-be husband first laid eyes on. Last night, as I complained about my expanding waistline, he told me I am still the same person on the inside, still beautiful. Although I know he didn't mean it the way I took it, all I heard was "bigger, but still beautiful." We've had this conversation many times, and every time he tells me the same thing: "You could weigh 500 pounds and I'd still love you." Really? Would I still love me? And if I couldn't even love me, how could he? This afternoon, I looked at photos from yesterday, a picture of two friends and I in our (in)RL t-shirts, my extra pounds and inches glaring at me. Tonight, at the dinner table, my son told me I had a lazy eye. (Do I really have a lazy eye?) My soul, sliced by the sharp words of a 12-year old, was left wounded and bleeding. He apologized immediately, but the damage was already done. I sat sobbing, disgusted with myself for being so... imperfect. Flawed. Less than. Ugly. There's that word again... The enemy was having a field day with my thoughts, waging spiritual warfare on my heart and soul.

Have you ever felt ugly? Even though you know that God looks down upon you and rejoices at the beauty of His creation? How did it make you feel? How did you overcome those feelings?

Asking for grace, and for prayer... that I will have the discipline to lose the weight and inches. That I will honor the body my creator gave me by taking better care of it. That I will absolutely ROCK that wedding dress in September. I don't know what I'll do about that lazy eye. I guess I'll just pray it doesn't show up in my wedding photos...

Thank you in advance, because I know that as soon as I hit the submit button and publish this post, someone, somewhere, will be lifting me in prayer... and if there is some way I can pray for you today, please leave a comment here. I would love to pray for you, sisters.

(in)RL

I feel so blessed to have these beautiful, amazing, ladies in my life. (in)RL was a beautiful experience. We didn't get to watch/listen to the webcasts yesterday because it was just too loud in the cafe we met in, but we had a lovely time just visiting. We are planning our own little (in)RL once the dvd comes out next month... a day at my house, in our jammies, watching the webcasts, digging deeper with the study guides, crafting, and enjoying yummy snacks... and I can't wait.

Today, I caught up on what I wasn't able to watch yesterday. This is what most of my Sunday looked like... (Hi, Amber!)

I really needed to hear beautiful words today, and I did in these webcasts. I am so thankful for (in)RL, and for the people over at incourage. I really don't want this weekend to end, but I know that I have the dvd's to look forward to. A day full of feet on the coffee table, sweet tea in mason jars, cupcakes, laughter, tears, and creating pretty things for everyone to take home when the day is done. A day of REAL LIFE. 

Taking it all in...

God's Heart for You by Holley for April 7: God says. "I'll be right here telling you all you need to know every day, every step of the way. I love to hear your voice... and I love when you listen to Mine."

The house is quiet. I sit, warm cup of coffee in hand, listening to Natalie Grant. The air outside is cool and crisp, I know this because it woke me up at 7:30 this morning when I took the puppy out. The sun is shining, there is breath in my lungs, the Lord has blessed me with another beautiful day to enjoy His creation. I think back on the week and realize I haven't talked to him much this week... mostly just listened. Watched. Waited. Sunday, the pastor spoke of palm leaves turning to fists and joyous cries turning to angry shouts and innocent blood shed out of love for us. My children took their first Lord's Supper, and I felt tears in my eyes as I saw the knowing in theirs. My 12-year old son watched "The Passion of the Christ" for the very first time, and as I cried he declared he just didn't understand why we ever celebrated the Easter bunny when Jesus went through all of that torture to save us from our sins.  A butterfly landed on my shoulder this week, I think it was Wednesday, while another fluttered around me. I knew at that moment that I was fully in His presence, because only He could be responsible for something so delightful. The next morning, the kids and I saw two butterflies again, in the same spot in our driveway.... we decided they were our angels, checking in on us, or maybe just His way of telling us "I am with you." I delighted at seeing my beautiful ring sparkling in the sunlight, a symbol on my finger of the love I never thought I'd find, let alone deserved. Friday I spent the day marveling at how very handsome and grown up my son is, and wondered where my little boy had gone... but felt so very thankful that I've had the opportunity to witness the transition from little boy to young man, because life is so precious and fleeting, and some mamas don't get to see their babies grow up. Now it is Saturday, and the house is quiet, and I'm thankful I've had a few moments to think back on the week and well, be thankful. I've felt more aware this week, more aware of redemption and grace and beauty and Him. Just taking it all in and feeling so thankful...

All I ever really need to know I learned in Ephesians...

... things like living life to the fullest (Eph. 4:1) and being humble, gentle, patient and loving (Eph. 4:2). Things like unity and peace (Eph. 4:3) 

1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. (NIV)

That prayer is absolutely essential (Eph. 6:18)

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people

 ...and that if we stand strong in the full armor of God, we can fight off any evil that comes against us. (Eph. 6:10-17)

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Life-giving words...

Today, I'm linking up with (in)courage... because there is something so beautiful about hand-written, life-giving words. Pen and paper coming together to lift up and inspire. Words of encouragement and cheer... a note of sympathy... a celebration of birth, of life... or maybe even "just because."

I was blessed with 2 free greeting card packs (and a super pretty card organizer!) last week, courtesy of (in)spired deals and Dayspring. I say blessed because, in my opinion, there is nothing that makes me happier than knowing I've made someone smile... I've already sent a few of these cards to friends. Cards with scripture and encouragement and beautiful pictures, sent to friends who encourage, inspire, and bless me with beautiful moments every day. I'm so thankful to (in)courage and Dayspring for blessing me with a way to reach out to those around me... a way to share His love with the ones I love.

The Joy Dare

Ann Voskamp never ceases to amaze me with her beautiful words and even more beautiful soul. She always encourages us to look for the gifts in the everyday, to see God in the everyday... a child's smile, the smell of cupcakes baking, a butterfly fluttering past... and to write them down as a reminder of how much we have to be thankful for. She is daring us to find the joy in the everyday and count a full 1,000 gifts in 2012, in her own words "a joy dare to give all glory to Him." To celebrate the Joy Dare, she is also hosting a giveaway! Click HERE to visit her blog and  learn more! (Because she explains it far more beautifully than I ever could!)

Is there such a thing as Post-Holiday Stress Disorder?

... If there is, I am suffering from it. Lately I've been stressing, worrying, yelling at my children, and just plain down in the dumps, things that are definitely not of God. I'm not going to dwell on those things anymore, because I know I'm already forgiven.  2 Chronicles 7:14 reminds us, "If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."  So, what am I gonna do about how I've been feeling? Just what the bible says... humble myself, pray, seek His face, and turn from my wicked ways. I'm going to remember that I'm covered by Grace, and I'm going to be iNtEnTiOnAL... I'm going to consciously make the decision EVERY DAY to cultivate the Fruit of the Spirit in myself - "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23) 

Two things I've chosen to participate in to help me along the way are The Gentleness Challenge over at Women Living Well and starting January 15th, a study of Ephesians at Good Morning Girls, a sister site of Women Living Well. Won't you join me in renewing your mind with the Word and a little encouragement from other women across the blogosphere by clicking on the links and learning more about the challenge and the study? :)